Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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