Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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