You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
