She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
