You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
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Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
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This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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