I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
