also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
