Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
