Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
