Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
