Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
