I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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