I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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