My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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