My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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