Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
