i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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