There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
