I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
