Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
