Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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