On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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