I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
