How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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