I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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