Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
