I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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