The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i now understand why vodka
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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