Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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