Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
