I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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