Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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