thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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