I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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