smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Michael Bay diarrhea
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
