Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize