You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
