Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
