his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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