i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
