i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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