And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
