I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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