I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
