Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
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