I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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