an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
