The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.