Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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