I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
