I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
