I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
