I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
