wanna go halves on a baby?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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