His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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